Sep 15, 2009

A Second First Day

[A note.

Dear Reader: please don't judge or hate me for writing the following. I feel that it's best to be honest. So here goes.

Ms. S]

I'm teaching my last class for the day in about 10 minutes. I've been having pretty good days at school. Yesterday was a disaster, but even so, I was able to get through it unscathed, still able to feel positive and look forward to the next day. First days of school are always a disaster anyway... as I've experienced once before. Actually my first, first day of school went really well last year. And, in general, yesterday wasn't so bad for what it was... I'm still not feeling that this teaching thing is my calling though. I'm just not feeling it. I didn't feel it all summer. I have fun during class while I'm teaching, but it's still not me. It's not what I want to do forever.

I have so many thoughts lately, and the one occupying my mind the most is, "I'm so over this teaching thing."


Eyawn said...

Regardless of what you do decide to move onto next year, fact remains:

-You are a great teacher.
-Your students are so lucky to have you.
-So many people out there respect you and admire you for what you do.

I think if I knew THIS was my final year of teaching, I'd do my best to make it THE best. And I know you do nothing less than that.

I hope you feel better about things soon. I know you will.

Just my thoughts...

teachin' said...

So....if you're "so over this teaching thing," why are you doing it? I'm not trying to be rude, but, seriously, why? If you feel this negative, which is how I'd interpret "just not feeling it," what's the point? I'd like to understand why you'd do it if it's not you.

Krizia said...

Aww, thanks Ian... I appreciate your thoughts as well as your extremely generous comments!

Sameer said...

I agree with the first commenter, 100%.

A twitterer posted this

But also remember it's just the first day. I had an underwhelming first day too... (Not that I'm saying that what you're feeling is only because of your first day...)

Eyawn said...

@Sameer, haha I LOVE that image. So simple, yet so true.

Krizia said...

@ teachin' I'm doing it because I signed a two-year contract with TFA which is a commitment I'm not going to break just because I'm not feeling it. There were moments during my first year (albeit very few) when I thought that teaching might be for me. Over the course of the year, however, I've come to know, or at least think I know, what I truly want to do. Nevertheless, I don't feel that discovering a different calling justifies leaving something I promised I would dedicate myself to for two years.

Also, please don't equate "just not feeling it" with "I'm only doing what it takes to get by until this is over." In response to your question, "What's the point?" I don't know that there is a single point for why I'm doing it. There are lots of points... to teach, to be taught, to experience education, to explore the field, to learn, to experience something new in general, to be challenged, to share my own skills, etc. I give my best every day. I stay at school until 7 or 8pm pretty much every night (unless I have grad school) to make sure my lessons are as engaging as possible. I wrote this post more with the hope that perhaps I'd receive some insight from other new teachers who might be feeling the same way I do. I'm good at teaching. Really good. Good enough to be chosen to be filmed by TFA as well as another non-profit organization to show others what new teachers are capable of. Yet despite the fact that teaching is going well for me, I'm still not happy. It bothers me to no end that I feel this way about something people tell me I "belong" in, but I won't make apologies for how I feel. I hope this clarifies some things for you. Thanks for reading and for your question!

teachin' said...

Hi Krizia. Thanks for your explanation. I completely understand not connecting with something but still doing it because you made a commitment to do so. I hadn't realized you were a TFA teacher (I just found this blog maybe two months ago, and hadn't put that together), so your explanation helps a lot. I have a teacher at my school who openly talks about not enjoying teaching but how he does it just because he needs a job, and I resent the fact that he's taking a job from someone who might really be suited for it, so I may have been projecting my own situation onto you, and for that I apologize.

I hope you HAVE found the thing you really want to do, and I hope you get to go do it when you're done with TFA.

Krizia said...

@teachin' I'm sorry to hear about this teacher at your school. Fortunately, I haven't encountered anyone like that. I'm still torn myself about whether or not programs like TFA have more of a positive or negative impact on education, which is why I'm frustrated with myself for turning out to be one of the ones who probably will leave after 2 or 3 years of teaching :( I think this is a topic I'll return to pretty often in the future, and I hope you'll be a part of that conversation. Thanks for your thoughts!